Friday, February 6, 2015

becoming healthy.

it's been a long journey to get healthy. and when i say long, i am talking 7 years. for me, that's a huge chunk of my life that i have spent, for the most part, unhappy with myself. this year something finally clicked and i can say I'm on the right track with no intentions of getting off it.

for some reason i find myself at night thinking back on all the first times i was self aware of my weight gain. i know that sounds weird, like why would i put myself through that. but i feel it's important to remember and it's important to put those pieces together to see why and how i decided to get healthy. i want to share my "firsts" for the sake of letting go. these were hurtful and i find myself harboring on them. but now that i am getting out of my slump, i want to start fresh.

the first time i saw a stretch mark that wasn't on my chest {because, let's face it...i have always had a bigger chest...it's a blessing and a curse}. i had just gotten out of the shower and was getting dressed. i must have been close enough to the mirror and i noticed it. the mark was small and by my belly button but it was there. and it was heartbreaking. after that, they seemed to just keep appearing. i couldn't tell you what weight i was when they started but it didn't matter. they had started.

the first time a family member's husband {oh, i could really delve into this one on here...} made fun of my weight. it was a Christmas eve Christmas party...something that side of the family always did. we hosted at our house and i was sitting there eating my dinner when the family member and her husband came over to ask what was good to eat. i replied saying that a particular appetizer i had been eating was AMAZING. he looked at me, then his wife and laughed, "you look like you know, obviously" and they both laughed and walked away. i think that was the first time i was extremely self aware. i always thought family was supposed to look past your physical appearance and lift you up. that's also the first time i was wrong about that.

the first time i went up a size. oh the dreaded and frustrating denial i had been in for months. i swear i stretched those pair of jeans out to the max. i didn't want to have to go shopping and buy the next size...or two...up and have to live with that. eventually i did and i told myself that i would never do it again...but i did...two more times.

the first time strangers looked at my like i was heavier and didn't belong. at my heaviest, i have been able to fit into a size L/XL at stores like JCrew and Banana Republic with no problem. two summers ago when i was at my worst, i walked into a Banana Republic store and was looked up and down and ignored by the store associates the whole time i was in there. i was overly self aware of every move and turn i made, pulling my purse closer to me because god forbid something be knocked over and it be blamed on my size. i plan on going in that exact store when i am slimmer to compare experiences.

the first time i was worried i wouldn't find someone who would love me for me. actually, I'm still worried about this and have a feeling many other women my age are, too. my weight has kind of put a wall up for me and slowly i am breaking it down.

the first time it finally clicked with me that i needed to lose weight and thank my body and treat it right. when i was diagnosed with melanoma in 2013, my life changed. i had surgery that was very painful and took a long time to recover from. my body had been fighting the tumor and had actually shrunk it in size by the time the doctors got it. at that point, i wanted to get healthy. i wanted to be the healthy woman i was meant to be and in a way thank my body for fighting for me. i was going to fight for it. in the summer of 2014, i felt comfortable enough to work out. my shoulder didn't hurt any longer and i was finally healed. so i slowly started. but it wasn't until December of 2014 that i was 100% on board. i mentally prepared...i went to all of my doctors appointments and am up to date on my blood work and numbers.

January 5th was the first day i started eating healthier and working out. since then i have lost almost 15 pounds and an overall 5.5 inches. i feel great but i know i have a LONG way to go. i have some slip ups, but i get in the gym 5 days a week for two hours a session. I'm committed and ready to have many more {happy} firsts.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

almost MERRY CHRISTMAS!



 


my favorite time of year has started and my favorite holiday IS ALMOST HERE!
over the last few weeks {well, month *cough* KOHLS *cough*} I have seen trees go up, ornaments go up and fake snow placed around the displays at select stores. starbucks introduced their Christmas drinks the first day of November {yep, ittttt happened and I totally drank my favorite peppermint mocha}. we have a tradition here in this house that we go tree picking the first weekend of december. we chop it down, decorate it and enjoy it all weekend. I would love to decorate earlier this year, but I am all for enjoying the holiday and time in between Halloween and New Years Day.

one of my favorite memories revolving around Christmas involves my grandma frahlich. which, almost every one of my favorite memories involves her. I would spend the night the weekend after thanksgiving, or even thanksgiving night. we would stay up late watching movies, making our signature nightly snack and I would spend it trying to convince her decorating that year was a good idea. I was always convincing her, and she was always thanking me I had after.

we would get up, have our breakfast and slowly make our way to her storage closet. box by box, I would bring the Christmas decorations back to her apartment. it was always a gamble to see how many boxes at one time I could bring back to save the most time. I would get inside and she would start unpacking. "I can't believe I have so many Christmas decorations. Alex, is there anything you want? I need to get rid of so much." I would always find a place and if not, there was no shame packing it back up and sticking it in the closet.

my absolute favorite thing to decorate with my grandma was the Christmas tree. I would set it up and she would unwrap the ornaments. slowly, and with careful eyes, we hung each one. we topped it with a sparkly star and then held our breaths as we turned the lights on and stepped back to admire it. and then she would hug me and thank me for decorating. and every time it made me so happy. because those moments, alone with my grandma, were my favorite and I miss them every Christmas.

one of the first things I requested when she passed was that Christmas tree. and I still have it. I put it up last year {the first Christmas without her} and it wasn't the same. I eventually took it down before Christmas. but I know when I have my own place, I will put it up proudly the weekend after thanksgiving and remember every memory of every decoration and ornament I have of hers and know she is with me the entire time.

xo

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

monty the penguin


I smiled throughout the entire video and then I cried at the end. but it's a good cry. this is true happiness, guys.
john lewis is amazing.
I want one of those penguins!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

frustration.

I'm going to be pretty honest.
one of the absolute must frustrating things I deal with on almost a daily basis is worry. worry that is attributed from melanoma. every new freckle, bump, or different colorization puts me on the alert.
and then I do one of the worst things ever and that's going on Google.
but quickly, I calmly talk myself out of it and look at my symptoms logically. is that bruise from when I bumped into my desk at work the other day? oh, yeah, probably.
was the freckle by my scar always there? no, but it looks normal and I just had my scan a couple months ago.
and ladies, let's be honest. we all aren't the best at updating our bras when we probably should and those underwires hurt under our arms. so is that bump that hurts an irritation, or is it a sign of cancer.

my mind goes straight to cancer and I hate that it does.
so I wait it out. I keep my mind off of it. I monitor it. but when it doesn't go away, I panic and you can bet nothing much else is on my mind. because last year we all thought the mole was nothing. and then it was everything wrong.

so it's hard when something isn't going away to not worry. and then i'll ask a million questions to my doctor this Friday when I see her and hopefully it will all be okay.

because if there is anything I learned from my whole melanoma experience last year, it was to just take one day at a time. there is nothing you can do today about it. don't think so negatively and drastically. just think rationally and logically and know that the results will come when they do. the doctor is going to give you good or bad news regardless. so enjoy the moment. enjoy the little things. don't let it consume you. because you will drive yourself insane and find your nights falling asleep are spent crying in fear. and really, who wans puffy eyes the next morning? I've had them too frequently lately.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

the new york city ballet.

holy moly guacamole. I was introduced to this city.ballet series by a cup of jo and fell in love. I have never been able to dance. ever. slow dance, sure, and teach me something and I will eventually get it. I think I did ballet when I was four for a year or two but I have always had such an appreciation for the dance and the dancers. one of my favorite movies is center stage.
so when Joanna blogged about this, I checked it out and finished the entire first season in one sitting {because, you know, I don't have a dozen other things I should be doing...}
and there is a second season, so you can only guess what I will be doing at some point this week.
anyway, check it out. it's mesmerizing.

image from a cup of jo from city.ballet

Friday, October 31, 2014

happy halloween weekend!!!!!!


I pulled out some of our old photo albums and stumbled upon this little photo. my mom was pretty cool to dress up with me. actually, she probably still would if I asked her to!

Halloween is so much fun! all of the pumpkins everywhere and the excuse to make everything pumpkin flavored is valid.
anyways, I will be dressing up this year...I think...for a Halloween party. thinking of going as Mary Poppins because I fell in love with Saving Mr. Banks this year and seriously, how cute would that outfit be?
but what makes me most excited about this time of year is that tomorrow, I can officially start listening to Christmas music without feeling guilty. I was made fun of at work {all in good fun} for listening to Christmas music and I get it. it was a little early. but I can't help it! Christmas is just so magical.
but first comes thanksgiving and in our family, we have something super exciting happening this year! celebrating thanksgiving on my mom's side a little early! I cannot wait, guys!
what do you love about this time of year?
xo