Friday, February 6, 2015

becoming healthy.

it's been a long journey to get healthy. and when i say long, i am talking 7 years. for me, that's a huge chunk of my life that i have spent, for the most part, unhappy with myself. this year something finally clicked and i can say I'm on the right track with no intentions of getting off it.

for some reason i find myself at night thinking back on all the first times i was self aware of my weight gain. i know that sounds weird, like why would i put myself through that. but i feel it's important to remember and it's important to put those pieces together to see why and how i decided to get healthy. i want to share my "firsts" for the sake of letting go. these were hurtful and i find myself harboring on them. but now that i am getting out of my slump, i want to start fresh.

the first time i saw a stretch mark that wasn't on my chest {because, let's face it...i have always had a bigger chest...it's a blessing and a curse}. i had just gotten out of the shower and was getting dressed. i must have been close enough to the mirror and i noticed it. the mark was small and by my belly button but it was there. and it was heartbreaking. after that, they seemed to just keep appearing. i couldn't tell you what weight i was when they started but it didn't matter. they had started.

the first time a family member's husband {oh, i could really delve into this one on here...} made fun of my weight. it was a Christmas eve Christmas party...something that side of the family always did. we hosted at our house and i was sitting there eating my dinner when the family member and her husband came over to ask what was good to eat. i replied saying that a particular appetizer i had been eating was AMAZING. he looked at me, then his wife and laughed, "you look like you know, obviously" and they both laughed and walked away. i think that was the first time i was extremely self aware. i always thought family was supposed to look past your physical appearance and lift you up. that's also the first time i was wrong about that.

the first time i went up a size. oh the dreaded and frustrating denial i had been in for months. i swear i stretched those pair of jeans out to the max. i didn't want to have to go shopping and buy the next size...or two...up and have to live with that. eventually i did and i told myself that i would never do it again...but i did...two more times.

the first time strangers looked at my like i was heavier and didn't belong. at my heaviest, i have been able to fit into a size L/XL at stores like JCrew and Banana Republic with no problem. two summers ago when i was at my worst, i walked into a Banana Republic store and was looked up and down and ignored by the store associates the whole time i was in there. i was overly self aware of every move and turn i made, pulling my purse closer to me because god forbid something be knocked over and it be blamed on my size. i plan on going in that exact store when i am slimmer to compare experiences.

the first time i was worried i wouldn't find someone who would love me for me. actually, I'm still worried about this and have a feeling many other women my age are, too. my weight has kind of put a wall up for me and slowly i am breaking it down.

the first time it finally clicked with me that i needed to lose weight and thank my body and treat it right. when i was diagnosed with melanoma in 2013, my life changed. i had surgery that was very painful and took a long time to recover from. my body had been fighting the tumor and had actually shrunk it in size by the time the doctors got it. at that point, i wanted to get healthy. i wanted to be the healthy woman i was meant to be and in a way thank my body for fighting for me. i was going to fight for it. in the summer of 2014, i felt comfortable enough to work out. my shoulder didn't hurt any longer and i was finally healed. so i slowly started. but it wasn't until December of 2014 that i was 100% on board. i mentally prepared...i went to all of my doctors appointments and am up to date on my blood work and numbers.

January 5th was the first day i started eating healthier and working out. since then i have lost almost 15 pounds and an overall 5.5 inches. i feel great but i know i have a LONG way to go. i have some slip ups, but i get in the gym 5 days a week for two hours a session. I'm committed and ready to have many more {happy} firsts.

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